So, you’ve packed your faux-leather overnight bag with all of the essentials: your Banksy book from Urban Outfitters, your ironic Old Spice scent, spectacle polish for your thick-rimmed plastic glasses, spare multi-coloured shoelaces and, of course, a giant wad of cash gifted to you on a whim by your white-collar parents. You’re heading to the London hipster haven of Hackney, and here’s your plan:
1) Check-in at The Hoxton Hotel.
Be enraptured by the ironic signs. Make sure you do what they say.
“But my stuff isn’t even worth the value of the safe.”
2) Go to the Breakfast Club Cafe.
Enjoy some bread with your plate of sausage.
“I’ve got that movie on VHS, y’know.”
3) Sit on the grass at Hoxton Square.
Maybe take in some performance art, just because.
“I TOTALLY get that. Must ask them where they got their cool shoe covers.”
4) Head to Shoreditch Grind for coffee.
Caffeine time. How have you gone since breakfast without it?
“I will NEVER get sick of these signs.”
5) Go to Boxpark for shopping.
Then hit the shops, because those vintage braces won’t buy themselves. To Boxpark, where the shops are made of shipping containers, obviously.
“This place looks great. I’ll just overlook the fact that they have a Nike advertisement.”
6. Time to see a film at an independent cinema.
Try the Rio in Dalston, where there’s only one screen and it’s a whole £2 cheaper than Vue.
“I can give the £2 I saved back to the community-owned cinema to help fund the crèche, literacy programme and other wholesome activities in which it is engaged. And I’ll make a Vine of me doing it.”
7. Have dinner at a restaurant where plates aren’t considered ‘alternative enough’.
It can only be Bouchon Fourchette, where things are served in bags, on boards, or sometimes even both.
“I read about it on TripAdvisor, where someone recommends “thrill-seekers” to “sit outside and gamble on whether a 277 bus turning right out of Wells Street is actually going to hit your table.” CAN. NOT. WAIT.”
8. And then get some drinks in.
By drinks, we of course mean cocktails. And by cocktails, we obviously mean marshmallow cocktails from the Lounge Lover.
“I like marshmallows. I like cocktails. It makes perfect sense.”
9. A hunger for a midnight snack? No kebabs for you.
It has to be a bagel from the Beigel Shop on Brick Lane, where beigel is Yiddish for bagel. Mmm.
“I have learned to trust all signs in Hackney now, so I’m REALLY looking forward to that!”
10. Finally, no cabs home for you. It can only be the N47 nightbus.
There, you can express yourself on the windows, or something.
“I think one of those might be Banksy’s!”
